“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
Oh how true is that. I understand that as time passes the pain becomes less but it truly is never gone for me. From each moment of pain there is also a memory of where it came from. From friendships that went wrong, to loosing a family member/pet, to the relationships you never thought would end. I believe that some people feel stronger than others. Some people can just relate to any situation and feel what others are feeling when they are hurt.
Since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety things have been a little tricky for me. I try not to hide the fact that I am depressed or have anxiety, but lets face it … Even if I wanted to hide it, I couldn’t. I don’t hide my emotions well. You can read my face like a book. People can tell right away if I am sad, happy, angry, frustrated and the list goes on. Sometimes it helps a situation because I am not good at expressing myself. But in a lot of cases it isn’t. In those moments of pure depression and sadness I want nothing more than to be in my bed and to be alone.
When I am forced to be out of my comfort and safe zone, I try my hardest to be the happy easy going woman that most people want to be around. Most people don’t want to be around the “sad” ones only because it might take away from their own personal joy. So the comments “You are too sensitive”, “It’s not that bad”, “don’t take things too seriously” or my favourite which is “Oh just get over it”, start to come out. Those comments really do hurt more then you will ever know!
I’m going to explain something to you all, when a comment like “you are too sensitive” is said because you showed a small moment of hurt when something was said to you it starts a vicious circle of self doubt in my mind. The first thing I think of is “oh crap I’m showing too much emotion”, then the “Be happy, Smile, Don’t show them it hurt” starts to run through my mind. I start to think I need to act happier, laugh more, joke more and also (which is completely opposite to everything) stop talking as much or even hang around as much. I start to feel like I am a burden or even people don’t like me as much. I don’t know how to act, I don’t know if people are talking behind my back or even wanting me around anymore. It is one of the most vicious things I put myself through, and all because of 4 words. I try to work on it, and I try to work on my reactions to things being said. It just never works.
I am starting to realize who the people are that I can call my army. What I mean by that is the people who will stand guard with me when I am having those moments of self hate and doubt. The ones who will show me what true strength is and the ones who will no matter what emotion I am going through, will love me fully. Those people are the ones I will cherish with every ounce of my being. They have helped me breathe when I am having an anxiety attack, the ones that will wipe my tears away when they just won’t stop falling down my face, and the ones that will laugh with me when I am having good days.
Yes, that is a thing in my life. Having good days. A good day is when I can say I didn’t have moments of self hate or even doubt. I wake up happy conquer the day and say “I made this day my bitch”. Those are the days I love. I know I will have bad days and days where leaving my home is pure torture. I just need to remind myself that those are just small bumps in my road to self love.
Next time someone says you are too sensitive, remember that being sensitive isn’t a bad thing. It helps you feel emotions that most will not know how to feel. It can help you connect with someone who is having a hard day and even help you celebrate when they are having a good day.
I know I can take things a little different then most, but that is just the beauty of who I am. I am someone who loves hard, who appreciates all the small things, who can feel what most can’t and who is not afraid of admitting I have mental health issues.
I am Erin. I have anxiety which can at times debilitate me, I also suffer from depression which will take over my mind and cloud every judgement I have about myself. With that being said, I have the determination to overcome those bad days and enjoy the good ones. I laugh harder when I need to, I cry when my body tells me to and I love when others find it hard to.
For those who read these from start to finish, I praise you. I praise you because you show you are trying to understand my complicated self, you support all my thoughts I have, and without knowing. You give me hope that better days are coming. I love you.